How to Help

+ How should I offer help?

"Let me know what I can do" is not that helpful, because you're trying to figure out what needs to be done. D.R.

Often, especially early in a cancer journey, your loved one may not know what they need. Later, they may be hesitant to ask for help. Be thoughtful in how you offer help.

Ways to help:

• Avoid saying, “Let me know what I can do to help.”
• Offer something specific.
• Be reliable.
• Consider your relationship: What you offer to help a sibling might be different from offer a work colleague.
• Be flexible: Patients' feelings, outlook and needs can change as their treatment progresses.
• Ask the patient, or someone close to them, if a calendar is being organized.

+ What about food?

I loved it when my friend would call and ask, "What are you craving?" M.C.

Everyone needs to eat! Helping with food for your loved one and their family is a gift of nutrition and affection!

Ways to help:

• Find out about favorite foods and dietary limitations.
• Consider food for the patient and food for the family.
• Ask if the patient is craving something … or if they are having trouble with particular foods.
• If a meal isn't needed, offer to make something for the freezer.
• Provide food in containers that do not need to be returned.
• Find out what time and how the food should be delivered. Is the patient up for a short visit, or should the food be dropped off?
• If finances are tight, send a grocery store gift card.
• Give a gift card to a food delivery service or favorite restaurant.
• Offer to come over and cook for/with the patient.
• Don't expect to visit or eat the meal with the patient unless you are invited to do so.

+ What about children?

People who saw my daughter were constantly asking her about me. Their interest was kind, but she just wanted to be a kid! N.H.

Having a family member undergo cancer treatment is stressful. Helping children maintain their routine can provide comfort during a worrisome time.

Ways to help:

• Offer to drive the child/ren to school and activities.
• Avoid asking the children about the patient.
• If they talk about the situation, assure them that they didn’t cause the cancer and they can’t catch it.
• Make school lunches.
• Include the children in your family events or invite them for a sleepover.
• Listen to, support and compliment older children who are helping their parents and siblings.

+ What about humor?

For each chemo infusion, my girlfriends put on a themed party, complete with decorations, food and hats. Hawaii was my favorite! C.P.

It's said that "laughter is the best medicine." Emotion is often high during cancer treatment. Humor can be a break from stress and concern.

Ways to help:

• Take your lead from your loved one. Cancer is no joke, but silliness and happy stories have their place.
• Share jokes, cartoons and funny stories.
• Offer a chemo party with themes, hats and music ... include the nurses!
• Make/buy shirts with humorous messages for doctor visits.
• Have a "buzz" party! Some treatments cause hair loss, and many patients just get it all cut off. Schedule an appointment at a salon at the end of the day. Take drinks, snacks, music ... and maybe a hat or scarf. (Bald heads get cold!)

+ I live far away! How can I help?

My college roommate called me every Monday morning to talk about the latest episode of Game of Thrones. C.S.

When you are in one place — or being careful about Covid-19 — and your loved one is in another, take advantage of digital tools and delivery services.

Ways to help:

• Schedule a video call.
• Make a "date" to watch the same program or movie on the same night. Follow up with a call to talk about it the next day.
• Send gift cards to favorite restaurants and food delivery services.
• Schedule an in-home massage or manicure.
• Send a subscription to an audio or video service so they can enjoy great books and movies.
• Mail notes and cards with photos, kids’ drawings and news clippings.

+ How can I help a work colleague?

Working through treatment made things feel more normal to me -- although my colleagues took on some of my tasks. ;) K.L.

Treatment is not always debilitating. Many patients need, or prefer, to work through treatment — both for the income and to keep their lives as normal as possible.

Ways to help:

• Consider privacy: A cancer diagnosis can affect work opportunities. Do not share the news with other colleagues or clients unless your friend approves.
• If everyone in the workplace knows about the situation, organize a group card, gift or service.
• If you want to visit, but have not been to your colleague’s home, ask first.
• Schedule a video call.
• Stay in touch with workplace news!

+ How can I help the spouse or partner of my loved one?

“I knew it was hard for my husband to see me like this. I loved to see him go off with his friends and have a night off.” D.R.

When a family member is diagnosed with breast cancer, domestic roles often change. Part¬ners take on new house¬hold responsibilities and become caregivers. They need your support, too!

Ways to help:

• Schedule a regular time to visit so the primary caregiver can look forward to free time.
• If they have children, offer to babysit so that the couple has an opportunity for time alone or a date night.
• Plan to deliver a meal and have a “movie night,” so that the primary caregiver can have an evening off with friends.
• Support them. Check in and see how they are doing. Take them a special treat. Admire and appreciate their effort.

+ Should I help with chores around the house?

“My neighbor vacuumed my house every week. It was a relief to know that would be handled.” N.W.

Keeping the household clean and orderly is a big job at any time. During the stress of treatment and recovery, knowing basic tasks and chores will be taken care of brings your loved one comfort and peace.

Ways to help:

• Offer to help with specific household chores and cleaning or offer time for whatever needs doing: “I am free for two hours on Thursday for whatever you need done.”
• Organize a group of friends for a larger task, like yard cleanup, or moving furniture.
• Take laundry home and return it promptly.
• Go in with a few friends to provide a cleaning service.
• Help with pets: Clean the kitty litter or walk the dog.

+ Should I visit?

“With my best friend it was one thing. She stayed for the day and helped around the house. But with others, it was hard to talk for a long time. I felt I had to entertain them, and I was embarrassed that my apartment wasn’t ready for company.” M.D.

Friendly visits can be a little vacation from the burden of cancer.

Ways to help:

• Whether or not you have been to the patient’s home previously is a useful measure of whether you should visit when they are being treated for cancer.
• Always check before visiting and -- unless otherwise planned -- keep visits short, 15 to 30 minutes.
• Treatment isn’t always debilitating. Suggest a walk, coffee or a meal out, or invite them to your home.
• Some treatments weaken the immune system. Ask if they would like you to wear protective gear for the visit and reschedule or e-visit if you are contagious.
• It can be fun to have children or friends from social groups like church and clubs visit … but check first!
• Beflexible if things change. Treatment and disease progression can affect your loved one’s energy for socializing.

+ Is there anything I should not do?

“It was very hard to deal with people who were very emotional. When someone was very upset, I felt I had to take care of them.” R.K.

Sometime ordinary comments, however well intentioned, are hard to hear when dealing with the treatment, side effects and worry of a disease that takes the lives of 40,000 American women a year.

Ways to help:

• Don’t focus on how hard this is for you. Try expressing your concern in a positive way. “I love you so much and wish this didn’t happen to you.”
• Don’t take it personally if a visit is cancelled or you don’t get a response to your outreach. Patients in treatment have good days and bad days ... and a lot going on.
• Don’t offer medical advice unless you are asked.
• Support the treatment decisions they’ve made.
• Don’t share their health news without permission.
• Don’t do nothing. The smallest gestures bring light to your loved one’s day!

+ How can I help the spouse/partner of my loved one?

"I knew it was hard for my husband to see me like this. I loved to see him go off with his friends and have a little time for himself." D.R.

When a family member is diagnosed with breast cancer, domestic roles often change. Part¬ners take on new household responsibilities and become caregivers. They need support, too.

Ways to help:

• Schedule a regular time to visit so the primary caregiver can look forward to free time.
• Plan a "movie night" so that the primary caregiver can have a night off with friends.
• Check in with them; ask about how they are doing.
• Take them a special treat!

+ How, and how often, should I contact my loved one?

"For eight months, not a day went by without a card, note, email, text, gift or phone call. Eight months!" S.G. (smiling)

Frequent, friendly contact in any form is a comforting and positive way to help.

Ways to help:

• Set a repeating reminder on your calendar.
• Mix it up: A call, card, note, or a quick email or text.
• Keep it light: "I’m thinking about you!"
• Don’t burden your loved one with your worries; be honest if they ask.
• Stay in touch with a light touch. Rather than ask for a return call, let them know you’ll call again.

+ Everyone will want to know and help. Should I share the news?

"I told my colleague about the diagnosis, and the next minute she was on the phone telling someone about it. I only told her because I was going to be gone a couple of days for surgery. I felt so violated." N.R.

Ask your loved one. Not everyone wants to share their diagnosis and health information. They may not be ready to deal with the emotional reactions of others when their energy reserves are low. Professional women, particularly, may want to limit their news to just a few key people in the workplace. Other women appreciate the support and attention that comes their way as they face the challenge of breast cancer.

Ways to help:

• Respect your loved one’s desire for privacy.
• A patient’s willingness to share information can change over time.
• If you are close, offer to be the "reporter." Get a list of the people she would like to be kept up to date; phone or send emails on her behalf.

+ Can I help with all that medical information?

"A local breast cancer support organization matched me with a woman who had had my diagnosis and treatment several years before me. We spoke on the phone for an hour the night before my surgery. She told me her story, which answered so many of my questions. It was encouraging and helped me know what to expect." L.G.

A newly-diagnosed breast cancer patient is loaded with information and has to make many decisions about treatments. They get information from their doctors, their medical organization, unsolicited information from friends and acquaintances -- and then there’s the internet. There’s a lot to manage and prioritize.

Ways to help:

• Make a binder to keep track of their appointments and medical information.
• Make a shared online calendar for their appointments.
• Help prepare a list of questions for doctors.
• Drive them to and from medical appointments.
• Go to the appointment and take notes.
• If needed, research topics online at reliable sources.
• Many medical centers have patient-education resources, therapy, support groups and activities. See what is available and let your loved one know.
• Research community health, cancer and breast cancer resources.
• If finances are an issue, research care and support services that are free or low cost.